Change

Things are changing, both for me and the wider world.

Restrictions are lifting and people’s faces are bare. I find I am surprised by the facial features of my friends. Did she always have that cheeky dimple? Was his smile always so handsome? Is my face new, too?

And then there are those other changes, unrelated to any pandemic, happening in my own world. A second kid has moved out (leaving one who is more like a housemate than a kid). I quit my leadership position and returned to teaching part-time in the classroom. And—this is the big one—I initiated my intention to submit. I am now counting down to January when I will submit my thesis for examination.

I know.

That was quick.

And in some ways it was. I am enrolled as a part-time student with a final submission date of June 2024. Somehow the project took hold and I couldn’t help but spend every spare minute working on it. What was allowed to take eight years has taken me three and a half.

Don’t despair. You aren’t behind with your project. By personality, I am driven. Thankfully, I have learned to turn this insult into the positive that it is. Yes, people have thrown it at me—’you’re so driven!’ they have accused when what they really meant was ‘women should be quiet and obedient’ or ‘you make me feel inadequate’ or ‘how dare you use that energy for yourself and not for me’.

For a long time, I believed being driven was one of my greatest character flaws. Until I asked my supervisor if he thought I had a book in me and he replied ‘you’re so driven, you could do anything’. My first response was to bristle but then I understood what he was saying: writing and publishing a book takes a lot of work, and academic writing, in particular, requires a number of runs on the board of peer-reviewed published essays. His use of driven is that if I want to publish books, I’ve got the necessary chutzpah.

I’ll give it some more thought.

First, I have seven weeks to finish this thesis.

And I also need time to process the changes of the past few years.

In order for change to make a positive impact on our lives, there are things that must happen. Here are three:

1. Do something you haven’t done before.

What is that thing that you keep thinking you will try but don’t?

It’s time to try, and fail, and feel horrible about failing and think to yourself ‘why did I bother?’ and then get up and try again.

It helps if there is some sort of commitment involved. You agree to give an online talk to a group of grade two students about what it is like to grow old. You go to the photography club with only the camera on your phone. You buy those paints or wool or hammer and follow along with some youtube videos. You catch the train and go to the CBD for coffee, and you tell *insert name of indulgent loved-one* that you are going ‘just because’. Or maybe you send a poem to that journal you saw calling for submissions.

2. Allow yourself to be immersed in the experience.

We so easily experience one thing while thinking about another. We FOMO our way through things. Yes, the Fear Of Missing Out is a real thing. Or should we call it the Fear Of Being Found Out?

What is one hour or even one day? Nothing is so important that you can’t take a little break from it. If there really is a disaster, someone will tell you. People love telling things. Just for a little while allow yourself to believe and feel that what you are doing is the most important thing that can happen for you at that moment. You might be helping someone else, supporting a business, or simply making the world a better place by learning something.

3. Let it change you.

If you let it, that thing will change you just a little bit. As you do more of it, it will continue to reveal things to you, improve who you are, and make you more aware of what you have to offer.

How do I know?

My Phd project has transformed me. I am a different person from when I began.

Sure, you don’t need to go as big as a PhD—but you can if you want to. It has been all of the small things, reading poetry, writing and getting feedback, deliberately reflecting on the process, and then writing about it, that changed me. Most of the time, I was unaware that the changes were happening. Until I was suddenly different.

The change has left my head spinning—quick change will do that—and I am still understanding who I am now. But I wouldn’t go back.

Don’t be afraid.

The change you are facing will transform you if you let it.