Finding meaning

Current day identity politics is underpinned with an unspoken promise: know who you are and you will find meaning.

So we all search with dedication and commitment to know who we are. We give ourselves labels and form a life around those labels.

My latest is ‘urban homesteader’. I grow a garden and keep some chooks and make jam and chutney and pickles. I harvest each night and enjoy afternoon tea with friends, admiring the growing plants.

Right now, this identity feels meaningful. It is who I am and shapes my decisions, confirming that meaning is to be found in identity. The problem with this type of meaning is that is easily damaged and, therefore, risks being a form of fake flourishing. I flourish while it is going well and don’t flourish when it isn’t.

Part of the pleasure of this identity is that other people admire it. I can brag about what I grow, the preserves I make, how I am saving the earth all by myself (I’m not really, btw). This, however, cannot be relied on.

Some nights I am tired from having to deal with the glut of fruitfulness. The wind keeps bashing things about. And there are the caterpillars that are eating more than their fair share. Urban homesteading stops being Instagram-worthy and starts to become a burden, a hassle.

My sense of identity is eroded. I assume it is because I’m not really an urban homesteader after all and find the next new thing to become.

It’s endless looking for meaning in a culture that says it is to be found in identity.

They are wrong.

Meaning that leads to flourishing cannot be found in something as superficial, fickle, and changeable as identity.

Meaning that leads to flourishing is found in three things.*

Work

To work is to contribute to the needs of others. Perhaps you are seeking to meet your own needs first—this is less likely to be meaningful in the long run. Pursuing our own goals at the expense of others is a little like putting all our hope in identity—in the end it won’t stack up.

Seeing the way that your work benefits others, however, is meaningful.

I am a senior secondary English teacher. There is a lot of marking. All of the time. I have learned not to think that I will ever get the marking finished as there is always more coming. It is easy to become bitter about marking, to see it as meaningless busy-work. If you fail to set boundaries, it will become that. On the other hand, that marking might just matter to a student. Your word of encouragement might just be the word they need to hear, to give them hope that they will make it, that they are seen and valued.

We all have a story about that one teacher who noticed us and took the time to point out something we did right. I don’t know which student I might be that teacher for so I assume it is every student. I know how much it meant to me that my teachers believed in me, held me accountable, and cared about me. It changed who I was and shaped my life. I carry the legacy of that person’s action. That matters. That is meaningful.

I can do that for others.

Relationships (love)

The people you love and who love you matter.

We want the people we love to know how amazing they are, to feel how important they are to us, and to see how much we miss them when they are gone.

Caring for those closest to us is meaningful.

Think about what happens when a child isn’t cared for by her parents. She grows up not knowing she matters to someone, feeling that she is unworthy of care, and keeping herself hidden. She must struggle through before she can accept that what she likes and is good at matters. Some children never make it.

When we care for, show kindness to, look after, and nurture those closest to us, particularly our children, we provide an environment for them to flourish in.

This is different from being a doormat. It isn’t a kindness to never say what you think or to not feel safe in your own home. These are signs that something must change in the relationship. It is not meaningful to allow someone to take advantage of you, even if you are married to them.

Nurturing the relationships around you, when done in a way that honours both you and them, will lead to a sense of meaning. Think about a mother with her baby. She does not need to question what life is about. She knows. It is about caring for and nurturing this tiny person who is interrupting her sleep, has left her body irrevocably changed, and creates mess like no creature before it. That moment of eye contact, that sigh into sleep, the whisper of a smile, these are affirmations of just how meaningful this relationship is.

If your relationships aren’t feeling meaningful, and you have ruled out dysfunction, then maybe it is just that you haven’t stopped to notice and appreciate what a privilege it is to bring out the best in someone you love, to be part of them being their best person.

Overcoming suffering

This is the hardest place to find meaning.

We choose work. We naturally love people. We have some sort of say in these things and can influence how they progress and develop.

We don’t choose cancer. We don’t choose child abuse. We don’t choose the sudden death of the one we love the most.

We are left shocked and overwhelmed. Meaning drains away from our work and relationships when we are faced with suffering. We become enveloped by the pain, whether physical or psychological. We retreat and try to run from suffering. It follows.

We deny and pretend. Use our religion to be bigger than our circumstances. We smile. We drink. We watch TV. We eat. We get angry at others. We become bitter. Meaning evapourates.

It doesn’t have to be like that.

First, you must face your suffering and see it for what it is: unwanted pain.

Second, you must ask yourself all of those hard questions and answer honestly.

For me, it was: Did I contribute to the abuse I suffered? Yes, I was where the perpetrators were but I was a small child and had no power to stop the manipulation, to stop them from doing what they did. You might need help with your questions. I had four years of therapy to help me see that it wasn’t my fault. It had to be faced.

Third, you must hold your head high. Act with integrity. Do the right thing, even when others aren’t. You might not be able to control what is happening but you can control your response to it.

Develop your character. Show your manners. Stand tall.

And when your suffering results in death? Die with dignity. Show people how to do it well. Yes, fight for your life, but when the fight is done, celebrate your integrity. Celebrate that you did the right thing. Celebrate that you said ‘thank you’ to the nurses. Celebrate that you told yourself the truth about those perpetrators. Celebrate that right up to the very end, even with all of that trouble, you avoided becoming bitter.

Viktor Frankl (2020) says that we should, ‘turn a personal tragedy into triumph’ (p.193) when it comes to our suffering. Grieve and weep, and show those around you how to do that well. He exhorts us to ‘Turn [our] predicaments into human achievements’ (p.193).

Flourishing

Finding meaning in work, relationships (love), and overcoming suffering, whether it be one of these or all of them, leads to a life of flourishing. There are few regrets when we pursue meaning in these areas.

Our identity changes, as does our work, our relationships, and our suffering. But when the latter three change, we are still able to find meaning. When our identity changes and our meaning is based on us being young, or beautiful, or rich, or this sex or that, or an urban homesteader or not; meaning evaporates. We become disillusioned. Lost. We may not know how to rebuild our identity without some sort of label.

But we will always know how to work for the betterment of others, how to care for someone we love, and how to suffer with integrity.

This is where we find meaning.

*These ideas are drawn from the work of Vitor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning (2020).